Moving

I've had a think about it and I've decided to move Gimplord over rather than manage two blogs. Please reset your dials and tune in to www.keithwallace.blogspot.com

Off Yer Tits

And so it is farwell to Lucy Pinder and her big covered up jugs. She was more engaging during the exit interview than at any time in the house but as she was clearly only in it for the money she seemed quite contented.



What were all the tears from Ulrika all about. That woman is really ticking me off now. She couldn't handle the idea of the public voting her out and she loved the attention from the housemates once the result was announced. Bee hatch.

Verne as Lionel Ritchie

Genius. The guy is shitting liquid whilst he's doing it. Only Ulrika can dampen it by overegging at the end to steal some limelight and then patronising Verne by telling him he should be proud of himself. What? Just because you're a midget doesn't mean you can't fucking sing.

I hope she goes and Pinder Tits stays.

How much was Lionel Barrymore paid to be ignored on a crane. How low can you go in the celebrity cesspool.

BB Update

Managed to catch a bit of CBB last night and have changed my opinion on some housemates:

Tommy - dick.

Verne - amazingly nervous during Romeo & Juliet. Would make an amazing gimp for someone with minimal cupboard space.

Ken from A1 - quite funny really. Poor choice in knitwear though.

Coolio - legend. Really gets on everyone's tits, has a massive ego and didn't get voted biggest ego.

Terry Sallgold - his teeth are getting worse by the day. They look like Terracotta Army footsoldiers.

Ulrika - should just not talk. Massive ego that unlike Coolio constantly needs to have it fondled.

Tina - comes out with some cracking lines but swears too much. I like a swear but not when it's fucking gratuitous.

Michael Jackson - was sweating like a hostage during the talent show. Notice how BB really upped the original vocals in the mix to drown out the piss poor range of Mizz Jackson. She's really sweet though. Horrible green tracky bottoms mind.

Tits Pinder - was really stitched up by BB for the talent show. How standing in your pants talking about the Labour Party represents her talent I'll never know. Should have been allowed to wap out the baps though she's looked reluctant to do so. Is ever so good at apply make up and never looks less than perfect. Toffee nosed cow with horrendous points of view so would suit a ball gag. Would like her to stay in or at least flash her norks on eviction.

Mutya Buena Kinder Surprise - she's really nice and was the best singer at the talent show. Could still use a flannel though.

Michelle - her singing at the talent show defied belief. Truly awful. Definitely wasn't wearing knickers.

CBB Initial Musings

Ha ha ha...........love it.

Celebrity Big Brother is back. Let's think about this years contestants. Special mention to Davina though. Her fitness DVD outsells all others. Hardly one you'd crack one off to though is it.

In the best order I can remember.

First in is LaToya Jackson. There's no point in saying she looks weird. Let's assume her face will fall to bits within the week.

Mutya Buena. The rough one out of Sugababes. Her name sounds like a greeting or a tin of something you'd find in a Mexican grocers. She's piled on the pounds since her last solo single and now has 14 tattoos including one that covers most of one calf. Now she looks like an over inflated Amy Winehouse doll. She'd bite it off whilst you were sleeping.

Verne Troyer. The crowd clearly finds a midget cute. I wonder if his sex tape was cute too. For a midget he's certainly a small one. Somebody could have helped him a bit more with his bag, he was knackered from the walk they made him do which in midget terms was about 2 miles.

Was it Tommy Sheridan next? He's a wank. I think they're hoping to repeat the George Galloway trick. Can't see it working but I'll change my mind if he's on all fours drinking milk from LaToya in a future show.

Lucy Pinder. She's posh. She's stuck up. She's a Tory. But look at her tits everyone! Even though she's the glamour girl there'll be no flicking off or lezzing from this one though. In the same way Nicola McLean did in the jungle she's going to be so obnoxious that you'll forget about the tits soon enough. Trust me.

Ben from A1. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Tina Something. She was in Shameless. She keeps telling us she's got OCD and she's fat and she's scouse. Obviously campaigning to get kicked out. Big muff though.

It's Coolio. Gangsters Paradise was in 1995. Coolio is 45 years old. Makes a slightly creepy comment about wanting to be fanned by young girls and then clarifies that they would be over 18. That's the R Kelly rule for you. Playing the Dennis Rodman role is our Coolio.

Michelle Heaton. She never wears knickers. Never.

Terry Sallgold. I'm old enough to remember what a wanker he was on The Word. Davina informs us that Terry says he doesn't suffer fools gladly. That phrase is usually only used on CVs or in job interviews. Why not just say I don't like thick fuckers. Wanker.

Ulrika. Ulrika doesn't need a surname. She has 18 children by 19 different men. She's seen some cock has Ulrika but I don't know why she bangs on about shagging Sven as if it's something to be proud of. She looks quite rough in the VT but we'll forgive her that. I like Ulrika but she does herself no favours with the things she says. I wonder if she ever had Vic and Bob? Or a bobby covered in Vicks?

So there it is. Tits, bums, fannies, the lot.

Michelle to win and flash her minge to celebrate.

Happy New Year

You'll have to excuse the lack of recent posts. I've had such an erection since Sandy Burke won the X Factor that I've been unable to focus.

In new news there are changes afoot. As Keith's gimp I'm being put back in my box. I will be allowed out to blog though but with a new remit that covers TV reviews, celebrity news, Coco and extensive use of the word cunt.

Keith has started his own blog which is cunt free (except for himself) and is supposed to be smarter and funnier. You can check it from here.

So, as luck would have it the spunkathon that is Celebrity Big Brother kicks off tomorrow and I look forward to covering it for you.