Gimplord

Moving

2009-01-11T04:01:00.003Z

I've had a think about it and I've decided to move Gimplord over rather than manage two blogs. Please reset your dials and tune in to www.keithwallace.blogspot.com

Off Yer Tits

2009-01-11T03:12:00.003Z

And so it is farwell to Lucy Pinder and her big covered up jugs. She was more engaging during the exit interview than at any time in the house but as she was clearly only in it for the money she seemed quite contented.

What were all the tears from Ulrika all about. That woman is really ticking me off now. She couldn't handle the idea of the public voting her out and she loved the attention from the housemates once the result was announced. Bee hatch.

Verne as Lionel Ritchie

2009-01-09T13:11:00.004Z

Genius. The guy is shitting liquid whilst he's doing it. Only Ulrika can dampen it by overegging at the end to steal some limelight and then patronising Verne by telling him he should be proud of himself. What? Just because you're a midget doesn't mean you can't fucking sing.

I hope she goes and Pinder Tits stays.

How much was Lionel Barrymore paid to be ignored on a crane. How low can you go in the celebrity cesspool.

BB Update

2009-01-08T12:55:00.002Z

Managed to catch a bit of CBB last night and have changed my opinion on some housemates:

Tommy - dick.

Verne - amazingly nervous during Romeo & Juliet. Would make an amazing gimp for someone with minimal cupboard space.

Ken from A1 - quite funny really. Poor choice in knitwear though.

Coolio - legend. Really gets on everyone's tits, has a massive ego and didn't get voted biggest ego.

Terry Sallgold - his teeth are getting worse by the day. They look like Terracotta Army footsoldiers.

Ulrika - should just not talk. Massive ego that unlike Coolio constantly needs to have it fondled.

Tina - comes out with some cracking lines but swears too much. I like a swear but not when it's fucking gratuitous.

Michael Jackson - was sweating like a hostage during the talent show. Notice how BB really upped the original vocals in the mix to drown out the piss poor range of Mizz Jackson. She's really sweet though. Horrible green tracky bottoms mind.

Tits Pinder - was really stitched up by BB for the talent show. How standing in your pants talking about the Labour Party represents her talent I'll never know. Should have been allowed to wap out the baps though she's looked reluctant to do so. Is ever so good at apply make up and never looks less than perfect. Toffee nosed cow with horrendous points of view so would suit a ball gag. Would like her to stay in or at least flash her norks on eviction.

Mutya Buena Kinder Surprise - she's really nice and was the best singer at the talent show. Could still use a flannel though.

Michelle - her singing at the talent show defied belief. Truly awful. Definitely wasn't wearing knickers.

CBB Initial Musings

2009-01-04T02:56:00.002Z

Ha ha ha...........love it.

Celebrity Big Brother is back. Let's think about this years contestants. Special mention to Davina though. Her fitness DVD outsells all others. Hardly one you'd crack one off to though is it.

In the best order I can remember.

First in is LaToya Jackson. There's no point in saying she looks weird. Let's assume her face will fall to bits within the week.

Mutya Buena. The rough one out of Sugababes. Her name sounds like a greeting or a tin of something you'd find in a Mexican grocers. She's piled on the pounds since her last solo single and now has 14 tattoos including one that covers most of one calf. Now she looks like an over inflated Amy Winehouse doll. She'd bite it off whilst you were sleeping.

Verne Troyer. The crowd clearly finds a midget cute. I wonder if his sex tape was cute too. For a midget he's certainly a small one. Somebody could have helped him a bit more with his bag, he was knackered from the walk they made him do which in midget terms was about 2 miles.

Was it Tommy Sheridan next? He's a wank. I think they're hoping to repeat the George Galloway trick. Can't see it working but I'll change my mind if he's on all fours drinking milk from LaToya in a future show.

Lucy Pinder. She's posh. She's stuck up. She's a Tory. But look at her tits everyone! Even though she's the glamour girl there'll be no flicking off or lezzing from this one though. In the same way Nicola McLean did in the jungle she's going to be so obnoxious that you'll forget about the tits soon enough. Trust me.

Ben from A1. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Tina Something. She was in Shameless. She keeps telling us she's got OCD and she's fat and she's scouse. Obviously campaigning to get kicked out. Big muff though.

It's Coolio. Gangsters Paradise was in 1995. Coolio is 45 years old. Makes a slightly creepy comment about wanting to be fanned by young girls and then clarifies that they would be over 18. That's the R Kelly rule for you. Playing the Dennis Rodman role is our Coolio.

Michelle Heaton. She never wears knickers. Never.

Terry Sallgold. I'm old enough to remember what a wanker he was on The Word. Davina informs us that Terry says he doesn't suffer fools gladly. That phrase is usually only used on CVs or in job interviews. Why not just say I don't like thick fuckers. Wanker.

Ulrika. Ulrika doesn't need a surname. She has 18 children by 19 different men. She's seen some cock has Ulrika but I don't know why she bangs on about shagging Sven as if it's something to be proud of. She looks quite rough in the VT but we'll forgive her that. I like Ulrika but she does herself no favours with the things she says. I wonder if she ever had Vic and Bob? Or a bobby covered in Vicks?

So there it is. Tits, bums, fannies, the lot.

Michelle to win and flash her minge to celebrate.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T21:00:00.002Z

You'll have to excuse the lack of recent posts. I've had such an erection since Sandy Burke won the X Factor that I've been unable to focus.

In new news there are changes afoot. As Keith's gimp I'm being put back in my box. I will be allowed out to blog though but with a new remit that covers TV reviews, celebrity news, Coco and extensive use of the word cunt.

Keith has started his own blog which is cunt free (except for himself) and is supposed to be smarter and funnier. You can check it from here.

So, as luck would have it the spunkathon that is Celebrity Big Brother kicks off tomorrow and I look forward to covering it for you.

Top 20 things you could place, rest, balance or interact with on Ice T's wife's ass

2008-12-08T02:55:00.008Z

First of all let's remove the sexism from this piece. It's not as if the woman doesn't have a name. Ice T's wife is also known as Nicole "Coco" Austin. Apparently her tits are named after planets. The left one is Jupiter and the right one is Venus. That's all very fascinating Coco but I am far more interested in Uranus.

Anyway, here is a list of the Top 20 things you could place, rest, balance or interact with on Ice T's wife's frankly enormous ass:

A Bontempi organ.
A pyramid of Ferrero Rocher.
A George Foreman Grill 'n' Griddle with 24 Herta Hot Dogs sizzling on it.
A MacBook Pro.
Jenga.
A Single bar surround sound speaker and wireless sub woofer.
Kenny Baker.
A window box full of geraniums.
A Yorkshire terrier curled up in his basket.
The complete Friends DVD boxset.
A crate of satsumas.
3 McDonalds Happy Meals and accompanying drinks.
The Stanley Cup.
16 rolls of Charmin toilet tissue.
Henry the Hoover.
An aquarium.
A luxury Harrods Christmas hamper.
2 turntable and a microphone.
The Guiness Book of Records left open at the page for the record for World's Biggest Ass.
Ice T's big fat dick.

This X Factor Blog means the world to me

2008-12-08T02:32:00.002Z

Watched the X Factor semi last night. I'm talking about the show rather than Lermot O'Dreary's moment of arousal. It was a tepid affair. At this stage the judges are unlikely to criticise everyone in case that affects the way the public vote.

So everyone was great. Except they weren't.

Oonog - is this what the youth should aspire to. Is this supposed to be greatness. An ordinary, non-descript performance of a Busted song followed by the blue murder of an Abba "classic". By the way, is it just me or is it true that to say anything derogatroy about Abba nowadays is sacrilege and you would be punished by having the blu-ray edition of Mamma Mia force fed to your arsehole by a viking.

JJB Sports - or Kuntz as they could be known. It's catchier and sounds less like a satellite TV channel than JLS. A highly effeminate version of Umbrella followed by a song I didn't recognise. The way Louis started to cry after the second song you would think he'd just found out the News of the World were going to run a story about how he boffed all four of JFK on his luxury Dublin casting couch whilst Westlife looked on masturbating in perfect harmony.

Sandy Burke - I felt that Sandy was a bit of a let down this time. Her first number was OK (though I'll be fucked if I can remember what it was) but her Unbreak My Heart left me disappointed. It wasn't because of the godawful Matalanesque trouser suit she was wearing but because we know from the original that Toni Braxton hits certain notes in that song. We know that Leona Lewis would be able to hit those notes. Sandy Burke didn't really attempt them and that left me thinking that her voice was a bit less special than we had previously believed. Still, the judges wanked lyrical over it as usual.

Vickers Sinex - fuck off Diana Vickers.

And so she did. At last.

The high point - Yoonog bursting into tears as he realised that he could no longer nip through to her room in the X Factor house at 2am for a bit of hand relief and banjo strumming. Cried like the schoolboy he is. I bet his hard nut looking dad will beat the shit out of him for that when he gets home.

The low point - barefoot Diana is surrounded for hugs by JML, Yoonog, Dermot and Sandy and not one of them stood on her toes.

Got my vote

2008-12-05T14:12:00.001Z

Rachelle Leah is Gimplady Of The Week

2008-12-04T21:31:00.003Z

There are many who say that cage fighting (like the UFC) is driving the nails into the coffin of boxing. There's hardly a boxing match that can draw a crowd and yet the more barbaric and less poetic "sport" of cage fighting is on the up and up.

Anyway, enough of that. Rachelle Leah is famous for walking round the UFC octagon holding a card aloft telling you what round it is. I think she also presents some UFC related TV. I'm just fascinated by her boots.

I did say boots.

You can't beat a sweeping generalisation

2008-12-04T21:26:00.003Z

For example, never trust a ginger.

VAT saving

2008-12-04T20:32:00.002Z

Everyone says a 2.5% drop in the VAT rate won't change their spending habits but after discovering that the cost of my Venti Vanilla Latte has dropped by 4p I'll be heading to Starbucks tomorrow instead of staying in the office and having a furtive wank at my desk.

Well done Darling.

Laziest Advert In The World..............Ever

2008-12-04T18:49:00.003Z

The Cadburys ad with the gorilla playing the drums to a Phil Collins song was all very clever and memorable though it wouldn't make me any more likely to eat one. A gorilla that is.

So how do Cadburys follow that. I know, take the lazy bastard option and have the gorilla play drums to another song. How about a Bonnie Tyler.

A glass and a half of utter shite.

Barbour

2008-12-03T14:03:00.002Z

Been a couple of weeks since I was last on a bus. Got one home on Monday though. Got a good seat and was reading the paper when as per usual the biggest fucker in Edinburgh decides to plant himself next to me. As if a big guy with a rucksack wasn't bad enough, he was wearing a fucking Barbour style jacket. Not a regular one though, one of these enormous oily tent-jobs.

It's Edinburgh mate, not the fucking outback.

Last night

2008-12-03T14:01:00.001Z

I clocked myself in the plums with the plug from a hairdryer. It was proper sore and wasn't deliberate. Honest.

5am

2008-12-01T05:02:00.001Z

£79.99 for the Exakt Saw from JML. Better than a conventional saw. I don't know when I last had a full night's sleep. Still, it's only midnight in North America.

Goodnight Canada.

Gimplord goes on suicide watch and other X Factor related musings

2008-12-01T04:04:00.003Z

Twas Britney night on X Factor. I'm a big Cheryl fan but she looks like the lolly from a Sherbet Dib-Dab next to Britney.
Red ribbons all round as well. Who needs government when the X Factor is telling us what to do.
Lermot O'Dreary and his Action Man hair get more annoying as the weeks go on. He must have an aching frenulum from all the tongue action he dispenses.
First up was Tits Lorenzo. Never good to go first but if you're going to save yourself make sure your squeezed into a basque. Can't remember what she sang but it was OK.
Next, I think were JML. I don't know their names except for the wee lead singer who seems to be called Aston. Aston has really weird earlobes. They hang very low and detached from his face as if he's been wearing Pat Butcher's earings since he was 5 years old. Simon says they were limp and lame which is fair enough.
Sandy Burke sleeps with her sister and is singing Toxic tonight and is wearing rubber kex. She couldn't look or sing any better and is clearly now the most talented person in the competition. Having said that I don't think she'll win. On closer inspection you could drive a small die cast car up the middle of her parting and not touch any hair. Sack the stylist.
Yoghurt Quigg is piss poor. There's no energy or balls behind any of his work. Dannii warns him she's not enjoying the kind of High School Musical route he's going so he better not sing one of them later or she'll be raging.
Would Diana Vickers please put some fucking shoes on. I don't even want to talk about her voice.
Ding ding round 2 of this marathon session. Tits Lorenzo is singing behind a farting goose. Or maybe a wind machine. A very aggressive version of Always. And here come the tears. Not a good look for Ruth as she's crying like she just got a javelin in the leg.
Was it JML next again. White suits, fucking awful bog standard ballad. What a bunch of ferrets dicks these guys are. Dermot asks a question and one of the guys answers but Dermot wants Aston to answer because he looks like he's going to cry. Aston can't talk so the original guy answers the question.
And that question will invariably be - how much does this mean to you? And the answer will always be - the world Dermot. I'd vote for Diana Vickers if she came on and said she could take it or leave it, no biggie.
Sandy Burke belts out a stotter. So good in fact that Simon and Louis started applauding eagerly after she'd sang one word. I kid you not. She's full on crying and for the second time Dermot is reaching for a hankie. What, he's going to have a wank in front of Sandy Burke! No, it's just for her tears. The thing is it's a really crumpled old bit of tissue like you'd get stuck to your shoe in a nightclub toilet. Is it the same one he offered to Ruth. You'd think he would offer a fresh Kleenex Pocket Wipe. Credit crunch hits X Factor.
Cheryl is crying with Sandy Burke. The next logical step would be for them to meet on stage and embrace. Then maybe have a bit of a snog.
Oh no Yoogan's doing High School Musical. Dannii's going to slate him. No. In a total contradiction she thinks it really suits him and was wonderful. No Danniiiii. It was fucking lame. Soft as shit. He's no Zac Efron.
Greatest moment in the X Factor ever as Yoonog focuses really hard to produce a tear but there's nothing there. Dermot says he's looking emotional but there's no tear. He's trying like constipated bear pushing one out before hibernation. Fucking pathetic.
Probably my most despised song of all time is REM's Everybody Hurts. Fuck a duck Diana Vickers is singing it. Gimplord is on suicide watch. It's truly terrible and she's still not wearing any shoes.
Vickers is kind of crying now. She looks like she's been smeared in Vaseline. Bit like Louis arsecheeks then. Dermot's reaching for the wanky hanky again. Dirty bastard.
Miley Cyrus can proper sing compared to that Vickers woman. And she's younger. And she's wearing something on her feet.
I've not seen the results show but its goodbye Tits Lorenzo. It's been on the cards.
Britney mimed.
Only Sandy Burke is worth voting for.
I hate X Factor.

Ice T's Wife is Gimplady Of The Week

2008-11-25T01:39:00.002Z

Oh Coco, I could lose my Tesco Clubcard in your camel toe.

Ideal Christmas Gift

2008-11-25T01:28:00.003Z

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat please spend a tenner on an awful bit of tat.

Walk into any Clinton Cards store and you'll be met by a less than subtle point of sale stand for the autobiography of the Chairman of Clinton Cards Mr Don Lewin. All proceeds go to charity but come on, who's buying this? How big is Don's ego that he has this book being peddled prominently in his stores.

Think of a card...........then look at this cunt counting his money.

I'm A Celebrity Almost Live Blog

2008-11-25T01:22:00.002Z

Not happening. I will say though that I love Anton Dekk, Nicola's plastic surgery put down of Dick Van Day, Carly Zucker's skin and Joe Swash. There's not much not to like so far.

In the meantime here's a picture of George and Brian getting a bit closer in a bushtucker trial.

Collective noun

2008-11-25T01:16:00.003Z

What's the collective noun for a bunch of gimps?

Is it Girls Aloud?

Shizzle my rubber ended nizzle.

Captain Greybeard

2008-11-25T01:08:00.003Z

Roy Keane's great. Great player, great attitude, remains to be seen if he's going to be a great manager but the greatest thing about Roy Keane is his hair. As someone who's hairline was today used as a barometer for baldness by a celebrity friend of mine this is a touchy subject. As a player he could shave his head for a Saturday match and then have a whole head of hair by the time of the midweek Champions League fixture. Never did I see Roy in that awkward in between Action Man fuzz hair. Never.

Even more outstanding is Roy's don't give a fuck grey beard. Where did that come from? The guy is class.

X Factor Almost Live Blog

2008-11-25T00:07:00.002Z

Almost Live my arse! It's just after midnight on Monday and here we go. Away the insomniacs!

On comes Dermot. For once I wished he'd wearing something else. Trackie bottoms and an adidas t-shirt would be a good bet.

The judges. Cheryl's still too thin. She looks like a cocktail decoration in that dress. The earings are brutal as well.

Sandy Burke is up first. Ooh that's quite splendid. Original arrangement and she sleeps with her sister. Quality. I wish Louis would pause for a bit before he starts talking he always gets drowned out.

Now it's Tits Lorenzo. Everyone that was great but I went to put the kettle on. Could it be another sing off for The Bearded Clam.

It's JLM. No, I mean JLS with a rendition of A Million Love Songs. Weak as fuck. Truly dire. Still got a decent write up from the "experts".

Bit of broo-ha-ha as Louis and Dannii squabble over an apparently controversial song choice. Back from the ads and Danniiiii is too upset to talk. If only she'd been too upset to sing for the last 10 years.

Give her a wash it's X Factor toughnut Rachel Holiday Inn. Singing Rule The World which I think JLS had dibs on as well. And she absolutely murders it. Louis said in the VT that she can sing but there's no likeability. He's right about the latter but the voice is dreadful. There's a couple of guys in pants coming down from the roof on big curtains. Wank. Holy shit the judges think it was great. Were they listening to Sandy Burke on their iPods while that was going on.

Danniiiii is still crying. Louis doesn't appear to give a fuck. Rachel pleads for votes. Or is it crack?

Time to vomit up your dinner it's Diana Vickers. Wax Face is back! TAKE YOUR FUCKING HANDS AWAY FROM YOUR FACE YOU ANNOYING COW. Listening to her in rehearsal is painful enough. Here we go then. Nails on blackboard time. Deep breaths. Have a little patience.
Why does she keep turning her hand? It's like she's got a bag of Salt 'n' Shake.

Ouch. That voice is agony. It's like bad karaoke. Ruddy murder. The hand, god, the hand. Chop them off. Bleuuurghhhhhh. Judges will obviously love it but that made me want to be punched in the balls by Ricky Hatton.

Oooof. Thanks Ricky.

Here's Yoonog. Dressed like he should be hanging about outside the chippy. Dog tags. When was your Tour of Duty then ya wee cunt? Bunch of posh girls come on the stage for the chorus. Yoonog nips behind them and boffs the lot of them without missing a beat or changing his sheath. Impressive.

Dermot tongues the whole lot of them. Just slightly less vomit inducing then when Kate Thornton used to do it.

Xtra Factor. Holly Willoughby does a completely different accent to the one she does on Dancing On Ice. She's very proper on that but on Xtra Factor she talks like she gives blowies backstage for a fiver. That's ITV2 for you.

Fuck this. On to the results show. Same Difference and Rhydian plug their new songs. This is just a big fucking promotional show for the Simon Cowell industry. Shameful.

The sing off is between JLS and Rachel. Rachel sings with balls. Literally she sounds like she has balls. Did you know that Rachel doesn't live in the X Factor house? She doesn't appear on the show anymore either. It's back to the crack dear.

The results show. Home of the Long Pause.

Strictly Come Almost Live Blog

2008-11-22T21:06:00.003Z

Tonight John Sergeant and his dancing partner Kristina Collarandcuffs dance off into the sunset after his decision to quit. It makes a quite average show seem even more average.

Is it time for Brucie to go? Never mind that, look at Tess Daly's tits! They're one bounce away from falling out. The band should strike up Baggy Trousers and be done with it.

Did you ever see Craig Revel Horwood on Celebrity Masterchef. The guy was sweating like a hostage throughout and had uncontrollable trembles. Anyone he scores lowly should remind him what he was like under pressure.

Up first Brendan Cunt and George Clooney's ex. Did she have that many chins when she was with George. Doubt it. Some kind of fruity quickstep. By the way, I can't tell a good dance from a bad one. Let's make this a 1 one though since it's Brendan. Posturing wankstain. Tess appears to have tucked the tits back in. Scores 35. Piss flaps.

Next up Christine the Irish TV presenter and Matthew Cutler. She'll go soon as no-one knows who the fuck she is. They're doing the cha-cha-cha-cha-cha. Bruce just cracked a joke then starting coughing. I thought we were having a Tommy Cooper moment there. Back to Christine. Hmm, that was dull. Let's give it a 5. Arlene's face doesn't move much does it. Len says Christine should have whipped her knickers off to wow the crowd. Throw in a ping-pong ball trick as well and I'm with you Len. Bit of fake argy bargy amongst the judges. Scores 29. Meh.

It's Jodie Kidd and some guy called Ian. Is Jodie really a supermodel. She's tall but the face, oh god, the face. Looks rough as fuck at rehearsals but blames the flu. Must have had the flu for the last 10 weeks then. It's jive time so break out the bunny. Starts out stiff and looks uncomfortable. Like me in silk boxer shorts. Great Pile of Shit. Good grief her sister is just as ugly and probably not tall. It's a 3 from me. Judges are saying the exact opposite. It's quite comforting to know I can't spot a good dance. Scores 30. Rum-ba-ba.

It's Tom and Camilla. Tom's in Hollyoaks. What a legend. Camilla looks like she got her hair dyed in nicotine. Nice. Tom's got his angry eyes on. And his angry moustache. Was it as good as Austin's last week? I have no fucking clue but I'll give it a 7. Scores 36. Bonus ball.

Now it's Rachel and that dirty little Italian Vincent. Will he boff her on the dancefloor this week? Vincent has ears like Spock and must be a 24 waist. Now he's mincing in a pink tutu. Hate you Vincent. He's got his hair lacquered down so it must be the foxtrot. A sedate dance so no chance of him getting his end away (on air anyway). Fiance is now a sniper in row Z and her brothers are in to beat the shit out of wee Vince should he put a foot (or finger) wrong. Let's give it a 4 but it's going to be a top score. Scores the maximum 40. Worth a blowie for Vincent then Rachel.

Follow that Austin and Erin. Austin has the pecs out. Polite applause for Bruce's latest "joke". Erin Boag is the roughest looking professional dancer on the circuit. A cross between Celine Dion and the Wicked Witch of the West. It's more cha-cha-cha, this time to the tune of Raining Men. Plenty hip action from Austin. Again, I'm no expert but the song and the dance just don't work together. I'm giving it a 2 and they're only at halfway. Judges are getting hard ons though. Scores 35. Shagnasty.

It's John and Kristina's last dance. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife and serve it between Kristina's ample bosoms. The dance is over and now they're milking the congratulations. Back to Kristina's udders again. There are tears and laughter. Like an episode of the Russ Abbott Show.

Right, that's that done. Christina will probably go. No biggie there.

Almost Live Blogs

2008-11-22T20:05:00.003Z

The dreaded lurgy swept through Castle Gimplord this week sweeping the whole family before it hence a lack of midweek musings. Fear not though dear readers for tonight by means of recompense and courtesy of the magic of Sky+ (and to prove that I have no social life whatsoever) I will be bringing you three, yes three, almost live blogs on X Fuckter, Strictly Dance Coming and My Career's Stalled Get Me In There.

UPDATE: Sensational news! This is what makes this blog so cutting edge. My toaster just blew up which has knocked the power out while X Fuckter was recording. He must have known I was looking at some 4 slicers today. That's goosed the recording so the almost live blog of X Fuckter will have to wait until tomorrow after I've watched it on ITV2. What a sad cunt I am.

Cheryl Cole is once again Gimplady Of The Week

2008-11-16T03:21:00.002Z

And why not.

Who he?

2008-11-16T02:52:00.004Z

Here we have the Redknapp family playing their Nintendo Wii. There's Jamie, his wife Louise and his dad Harry. Who's the fucker in the green polo shirt though. What a fucking hanger on. Is it another brother, Louise's cousin, Jamie's best mate or the guy come round to clean the windows. Whover he is he should put the remote down and fuck off home cos he's not famous enough.

This is how a proper Nintendo ad of famous people should look:

See, there's no hangers on here or anyone looking out of place. Ah, hold on, the pasty ginger is supposed to be with them right. Nice of them to give her the yellow DS. Lovely contrast.
Getting back to this picture of the Redknapp's and this is a serious point. You'll remember that a few posts ago I warned the Sugababes that their red carpet posing would leave them crippled.
Well, just look at poor Louise as Exhibit A. Once a regular on the red carpet look at her horrific posture in that picture. Can you believe they photoshopped out her walking frame.

Ye be warned Sugababes, ye be warned.

More TV notes

2008-11-16T01:43:00.003Z

Who needs Harry Hill's TV Burp. I'm much better and I'm loving these bullet points:

On Celebrity Come Dine With Me Jimmy Osmond hired a midget as a butler. He called the midget Little Donny Osmond (his real name was Alan). Little Donny was dressed up as Elvis to announce the dessert selection. Bizarre probably doesn't do this justice.
In the same show Caprice, who is morphing into Pete Burns, brought tuppaware to Jimmy's house so she could give the steak to her dogs. In no way is that insulting.
My Career Is Going Down The Pan Get Me In There! starts a new series on Sunday. Page 3 Stunna Nicola McLean (below) has already confessed that as she's getting married soon she's only be interested in lesbian antics. She added that she didn't mind if Martina Navratilova wanted a fondle. The question is has Miss Navratilova's strap on made it in to camp or was it confiscated by Anton Deck?
Apparently Nicola has also been whinging that she's only getting £7,500 for being on the show. Danni Behr, for reasons best known to the producers, is getting the top fee of £40,000. I'd assume Joe Swash is paying to be on the show.

Strictly Come

2008-11-16T01:26:00.002Z

Though I couldn't give a fuck about who wins this there a couple of points worth making.

The first is that Brendan Cole is a right cunt.

The second relates to the flirtatious nature of the relationships between celebrity and dancer. It's quite often the case that professional dance teams are also in relationships off the dancefloor. There have been a couple of married couples on Strictly Come. Some bird went out with Brendan Cunt until he started boffing celeb partner Natasha Kaplinsky. Vincent Simone and Flavia Cacasomething were an item until she bent over backwards to accomodate Matt Di Eastender.

It's all a bit unsavoury. And so it was that Rachel Stevens and Vincent Simone did a rhumba, I think, that just managed to stop short of Vincent giving Rachel a good fingering. After the dance the camera cut to Rachel's fiance in the audience who looked like someone had just told him his soon to be wife had been fingered on the dancefloor by a wee Italian nonce with Spock ears. He would have been quite entitled to rush the stage and punch the little bastard hard in the chucks during the routine. Fucking outrageous.

Other notes:

Is Jodie Kidd a supermodel? OK so she's tall but she has a face like a gerbil with a chronic overbite.
There's something creepy about watching Cherie Lunghi dance in a "sexy" fashion. It's like watching your own mother. Fair play to her for her elasticity though.
John Sargeant your time is up. The judges deliberately marked you higher to try and lessen the possibility of a sympathy vote. Come to think of it. Is John Sargeant really Jo Brand without the wig?

X-Fuctor

2008-11-16T01:02:00.002Z

I quite enjoyed my little critique of last week's X-Fuctor so I've decided to expand on it a bit this week. It's even more cathartic than shouting at the TV and less annoying for the rest of the family who are trying to watch the show.

So, some random thoughts on tonight's show:

Dermot O'Lairy is an upgrade over Kate "The Blowfish" Thornton but isn't he just a bit too nice? Got very emotional about Daniel and should probably not be left alone in a room with Alexandra Burke.
A Trivial Pursuit pie piece would fit perfectly into Dannii's nostril.
Eoghan should get rid of the earings.
And I still don't know what that song was he sang.
I wonder how many points you'd get in scrabble for Eoghan Quigg.
Rachel is well rough, that we know. She's no singer either and her effort in the sing off was lamentable. She knew the judges would vote off Danny Boy even if she just showed up and farted the National Anthem of Chad into the microphone. She goes next week.
Ruth needs to show more tit. Her voice can only get her so far.
Diana Vickers. Standing on a fucking box. She has a face like a porcelain doll you'd find in Bagpuss shop window. She constantly waves her hands about her face like there's a wasp around her all the time. She sings like Dolores from the Cranberries gargling barbed wire. She needs to get the fuck off this show.

So all in all a pretty average show with a pretty predictable result. Nice of Leona Lewis to show up and prove that she is head and shoulders above any of this fare.

shiTunes

2008-11-16T00:59:00.001Z

Just saw an ad for Celine Dion's Essential Collection.

Strangely there's a voice in my head telling me it's not essential that I own this.

Amy Winehouse

2008-11-12T13:06:00.002Z

Ladies and gentlemen I give to you the visual definition of "rough as fuck".

Tribute

2008-11-09T23:46:00.000Z

Language

2008-11-09T23:45:00.000Z

Free Crap

2008-11-09T21:50:00.002Z

The Daily Mail are running ads for free "Childrens Classic" DVDs with the paper.

"Look what Mum & Dad have hidden for Christmas" says Tristan as the kids as they find the DVDs.

"Yes" says Tabitha, "The Railway Children, Peter Rabbit and some old 70s adaptations of Narnia. They got them free from that fucking Tory rag. Tight cunts."

It seems that Tabitha's line was cut from the final edit.

Arsenal 2 Man U 1

2008-11-09T17:33:00.002Z

There was one reason for Man U's defeat yesterday and one reason only.

Sir Alex Ferguson.

Sir Alex, Fergie, Eck, The Ferginator, Sexy Lexy, The Big Guson.

All down to him. And why?

Because he was wearing fleece joggers, trainers and a padded jacket. What a disgrace. At his age the only time he should be in this get up is when he needs to nip down to the Co-Op on a Sunday morning for a paper, a pint of milk and half a dozen well-fired morning rolls.

No doubts if he'd have worn the usual tin flute they'd have strolled it but that Onslow look makes the players think "well if he can't be arsed, why should we be?"

Get it right Cherry Nose.

Heroes or Divs

2008-11-09T17:09:00.004Z

I loved Season One of Heroes but I'd heard and read that Season Two wasn't too hot. Season Three was supposed to be better but I've now read that two of the writer / producers have been booted and the show is wavering again. I've got 18 episodes saved in three different locations but with time always at a premium is it worth investing time in the series or should I just say fuck it. I'm asking my thousands of readers to help me decide. Let me know you beautiful fuckpigs.

Cripple

2008-11-09T00:45:00.003Z

I know there's a certain way a "lady" is supposed to pose on the red carpet but the Sugababes are on so many red carpets and continually having to strike this pose and I'm really beginning to fear that by the time they're 40 they're going to be a bunch of bent legged cripples. Maybe this is why there's been such a turnover of Sugababes. As soon as one of them gets leg knack from the posing they're given a one record deal for a short lived solo career and a fat wad of cash to fuck off.

Honestly girls, straighten the legs, and you in the pink boots take your hand off your hip. You'll thank me in the long run.

Reality Bombshell

2008-11-09T00:05:00.002Z

Could it be Yoonog the Youthful with the earrings and the baby face, could it be Rachel the Rough who would bite Louis balls off it he tried to vote against her again or could it be shiny-faced hobgoblin Diana Vickers who is told to get tae fuck. No, none of them cos Oh my God, Laura's been voted out on X-Factor. Fuck me. Is the earth still spinning. Has anyone checked. What was she doing in the bottom two. According to Holly Willoughby and the judges it's because the British public are a bunch of thick cunts. Well of course we are, that's why we keep tuning in to this essentially pointless shit. Or maybe it's because she sat at a piano looking all frumpy and not singing particularly well. Although he's one step up from awful the public are going to keep voting for Ginger Daniel because the judges rip the piss out of him all the time and if there's anything that Joe British Public likes it's the underdog. Laura was up against Ruth who was saved by Simon and Louis being transfixed by her jugs both of which threatened to escape during Knocking On Heaven's Door. After agreeing on who'd get which teet to suck on they carted Laura and her enormous heed out the exit door situated stage left. Cheryl floated conspiracy theories about tactical voting and grassy knolls whilst Dannii nipped out for some backstage labiaplasty.

Meanwhile over on Strictly Come the complete lack of personality in the personalities continues to have me reaching for the fast forward button and failing to give a flying fuck about the outcome. Two things still stand out on the show though. John Sargent continues to survive without dancing which is hilarious because it gets on the judges tits and Lisa Snowdon has no chance of winning because she is partnered by Brendan Cole who is one of the biggest cuntbags on UK television.

Barry Normal

2008-11-08T23:46:00.000Z

Winter Warmers

2008-11-08T23:29:00.002Z

Innocent Smoothies are doing a new campaign which involves knitting hats for smoothie bottles. It all hooks up with Age Concern and you can buy them at Sainsburys if you feel the need. There's an important lesson to heed from this campaign as we head towards Winter.

No matter how many bars you can afford to light on your fire you have to make sure you've got a warm lid.

I like a tight bobble on mine.

Nicole Scherzinger is Gimplady Of The Week

2008-11-08T23:25:00.003Z

Enjoys wearing latex and dates a guy that wears a zip fronted suit and a helmet.

Tick my box.

Sweet & Sour

2008-11-08T23:24:00.000Z

Is there a Superstar in da house

2008-11-08T23:17:00.000Z

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T16:39:00.002Z

And what better way to celebrate than by looking at a picture of the plastic horror that is Ice T's wife.

Hey, Fuck You Starbucks!

2008-10-31T16:37:00.001Z

Don't think for one minute I'm going to pay for a coffee on a Friday because you can't be arsed providing a coupon for a free one in today's Guardian. Selfish bastards.

FAQ

2008-10-30T14:10:00.001Z

Do you Tess Daly?

Jazz

2008-10-30T13:56:00.002Z

I've said it before and I'll say it again - jazz with dance rhythms is a travesty of improvisation.

Are you listening Starbucks?

Shitty Fingers

2008-10-30T13:41:00.002Z

I should have popped this one out earlier.

As someone who has a real hang up about hygiene particularly in delis and public transport to discover that research by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine shows that one in four commuters has bacteria from faeces on their hands. You can read the fully story on the BBC.

My view - you dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty fucking bastards.

It's back to ringing the bus bell with my elbow.

Britney Spears is Gimplady Of The Week

2008-10-27T13:38:00.001Z

Mount Gay & Coke for Gimplord?

Holidays

2008-10-27T13:35:00.002Z

Funny things happen when I go on holiday - I end up not updating this blog. It's very poor. There wasn't even a Gimplady Of The Week. That's because I stumbled across a picture of Victoria Beckham in a black catsuit and spent the rest of the day dry-heaving and thinking of Ann Widdecombe fellating John Prescott to try and rid my mind of the image. Normal service about to be resumed.

Marisa Miller is Gimplady Of The Week

2008-10-10T16:29:00.004+01:00

Promoting the new Harley Davidson V-Rod.

Worth a ride.

Bill Gates is a dick

2008-10-09T13:02:00.002+01:00

Click here for more from this campaign.

Hair

2008-10-03T14:41:00.002+01:00

It's been ages since I cut my hair. I reckon it's now a centimetre tall. I've even started to use gel on it. But I'm going to cut it for two reasons:

1. I've run out of gel.

2. I look like a fucking divot.

Bring forth the Remmington!

Lift

2008-10-03T13:17:00.000+01:00

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Oh shit

2008-10-03T13:15:00.001+01:00

Eastender's is on for an hour tonight. You all know what that means.

MONOLOGUE FUCKING CENTRAL!!!!!

Cheryl Cole is Gimplady Of The Week

2008-09-28T19:41:00.004+01:00

It's a sad day when you send a gimp suit in the post to Cheryl Cole and she only wears part of it in the 2009 calendar. The good people at Hollywood Tuna have more.

Moob Judder

2008-09-28T19:19:00.002+01:00

I got on one of those long bendy buses on Friday. I sat at the seats just at the bendy bit and started to read the Metro (staring out the windows has dropped dramatically since the Metro started to be published).

The bus vibrates so violently at those seats that I got the worst case of moob judder I've ever had and so I switched to a seat at the back.

A word of warning then ladies and gentlemen. If you're going to sit on the bendy seats make sure that you're wearing a proberly fitted bra or mansierre.

Nutty Slack

2008-09-28T19:07:00.000+01:00

Laser eye surgery

2008-09-28T19:00:00.002+01:00

I'm disturbed by TV adverts for laser eye surgery for two reasons.

1. They quote a price per eye. Yeah, I think I'll get one eye corrected just now and make do with not being able to see shit through the other eye and just deal with the daily headaches from squinting.

2. It says "prices from". So there's different levels of eye surgery. Well this here's the £20 option done by pointing a gun from Laserquest at your pupil for an hour. It might work.

Inspiration Is All We Need

2008-09-25T17:41:00.005+01:00

This guy is totally cool. Imagine holding your own cock and balls hostage. Maybe he sent a ransom note to his girlfriend. Or more likely, his mum.

"I want 3 double cheeseburgers, large fries, a banana milkshake and a helicopter here within 30 minutes or you'll never wash these privates again."

Society

2008-09-24T14:05:00.005+01:00

On the left is Chantelle when she won Celebrity Big Brother. On the right is Chantelle now. On the far right is Myleene Fucking Klass sticking her celebrity oar in as usual. Imagine she's not in the picture. Or that Chantelle's new chest features three tits.

So, Chantelle. WTF. Discuss.

Le Crunch

2008-09-24T13:35:00.003+01:00

Obviously the credit crunch is the big news story just now. How Mr. Brown needs a terrorist attack to get this off the front pages. Ooh, controversially Gimplord steps into the political arena. See how quickly I can jump back out.

The shops all have crunch related signage next to their discounted goods - Price Crunch, Beat The Crunch, Crunchbusters. Somehow it seems that this crunch thing has been turned on it's head and it's Joe Public that's to blame for all this. The supermarkets are helping us out. Look it's buy one get one free on a Pukka Pie, they've shaved 10p of the price of reformed ham. Bless them as they put the prices up of everything else we buy.

As an aside I'd like to thank Marks & Spencer for upping the price of the cheese & tomato roll from £1.50 to £1.75. I was asking for it really. But thanks for making potato croquettes half price and bombarding me with pictures of Myleene Klass and her amazing post pregnancy body trying to sell me some foreign currency. She's attractive (to some) in a slightly Stone Age way and she can sing (kinda) and play the piano. Like a bargain basement Alicia Keys.

Talking of Alicia Keys. Do you think she has to play the piano in every single bloody video she's ever made. Alicia love, you're beautiful, you're talented, we know you can play the piano but when you're belting out high notes in a subway station and playing the keyboard we're starting to lose interest in your song because we're too busy thinking about how you got the damn piano down there in the first place and how the hell you're going to get it home.

Where was I going with this. Oh yes. I'd like to see a store that refuses to cut the prices on anything but doesn't put prices up either. A bit of consistency. John Lewis would be good for that. FUCK THE CRUNCH signs hanging in every department. It's got more of a ring to it than Never Knowingly Undersold.

Bag To Work

2008-09-24T13:24:00.005+01:00

There's nothing worse than having to take a carrier bag in to work with your lunch and stuff in it. I'd usually stuff my pockets instead but I'm having a lunch / dinner combo today.

As always the bags in the house are from women's clothes shops or are massively oversized like Ice T's wife's tits.

And so it was that I was left with the highly camp "Disney On Ice" bag. Of course, standing next to me at the bus stop was another guy with a carrier bag for work. His was G-Star. What a cock.

I suppose in these days of crunch the bag to be seen with would be an embroidered hemp bag with the LIDL logo on it. The times they are a-changing.

Pinstripe

2008-09-24T13:14:00.005+01:00

I once owned a pair of pinstripe trousers but I've never owned a pinstripe suit. I'm now coming to the conclusion that you can't look right in a pinstripe suit. Fiction says you can but reality says you can't. Stay in touch with reality.

The Great Tesco Put Down

2008-09-24T13:10:00.002+01:00

Witnessed at Tesco last night. A young couple, 20's, the girl is talking about a misleading price offer on bottles of Coke when I stop by to pick up some cans.

His response to her discovery:

"Shut. Your. Pus."

A beautiful moment of relationship bliss. No raised voices, no arguments. Wonderful.

Great swear

2008-09-23T14:01:00.002+01:00

I like a swear. Golly gosh who doesn't?

Last night I watched the last ever episode of The Wire on FX. It was an emotional time and I don't want to go back on that rollercoaster but I did want to make you aware of a fantastic swear.

Police Commissioner Rawls to Detective McNulty - "You're a cunt hair away from being indicted McNulty".

Now you don't get that quality of writing on Coronation Shit, Hollywanks, Emmerdick or Eastfuckingenders do you.

Splat

2008-09-23T13:54:00.003+01:00

I was waiting on a bus the other day when some guy on a recumbent bicycle went past me down the bus lane. Now, I'm not a cyclist myself but I'm not averse to cycling. It's just when you watch the way some buses and cars motor past cyclists it looks a bit dangerous. That's except for those cyclists who can't tell the difference between a pavement and road. I think they're called wankers.

If you're going to pedal to work on a recumbent bicycle then you really are taking your life in your hands. Most lorries could drive over you if they could even see you and let's face it they look fucking ridiculous. Are they supposed to be more comfortable, more ergonomic or are these people really just twats.

I'll stick with the latter until someone can prove otherwise.

Gordon Brown's Wife

2008-09-23T13:50:00.001+01:00

Do you think Gordon Brown's wife ever says "For fuck's sake Gordon would you wash your hair" before he leaves for work in the morning?

I told you I fancied a fresh muffin today but....

2008-09-19T22:58:00.031+01:00

World Air Sex Championships

2008-09-19T22:58:00.026+01:00

I think I work with the guy at the start of this clip.

Rick & Steve

2008-09-19T22:58:00.024+01:00

Quality gimp mask image here from episode 3 of Rick & Steve. Catch it on E4 on Wednesday's at 10.30pm. Miss it, like I did with episode 1 and you're goosed as with all the best programmes they don't repeat it through the week.

Who's first?

2008-09-19T22:58:00.022+01:00

I am. That's why I'm at the front of the queue you twat.

Request

2008-09-19T22:58:00.020+01:00

OK, I don't know about you but I'm in the mood for some cats, a clown blowing a bubble gum balloon and a naked woman playing the ukelele.

Ah, there you are.

Ryder Cup

2008-09-19T22:58:00.016+01:00

I've been quite looking forward to watching the Ryder Cup in glorious full HD. I reckon this is the only time you can say I'm proud to be a European. Well, that and when you're watching some particularly adventurous Dutch or German exotic film.

Venti Vanilla Latte

2008-09-19T22:58:00.011+01:00

The Starbucks Venti Vanilla Latte now comes with an asterisk on the cup.

* may cause wind which you will have to suck up if working in an open plan office. Nip to the bogs now and again for a good fart.

In The Night Garden

2008-09-19T22:58:00.008+01:00

I never let the kids watch the Teletubbies on the grounds that they were a bunch of fucking freaks (pot, kettle, black) but I have relented with In The Night Garden. It's similar to the Teletubbies in that in order to market the programme globally the characters all talk shite rather than any discernible language. The big difference is that the characters are kind of cute. And they arrive in a spaceship with a great big tit on the end!

Buff

2008-09-19T22:58:00.007+01:00

This is Ray Moon. He's 80. Proof that you're never too old to get buff. Tickets are now being printed for The Gimplord Gun Show.

Foxy

2008-09-16T13:58:00.006+01:00

In an interview in the latest GQ, Megan Fox says she went all lesbian for a bit when she was 18 after being dumped by her boyfriend.

I bet I could transform 'er.

Hey, it's not like you have to pay to read this shit.

Jury

2008-09-16T13:46:00.001+01:00

X Factor

2008-09-16T13:33:00.004+01:00

I'm no fan of the X Factor but as long as Cheryl's a judge then it's worth watching. Love the way she gave the no to the guy with the piano tie.

"I've worked so hard on this for 3 years Cheryl."

Fuck off.

I have no vocal talent whatsoever but I'd gladly go on the show to get a no from Cheryl. A simple no, a hell no, a no fucking way, a get the fuck out of here. It's all good.

Hand job

2008-09-16T13:32:00.000+01:00

The Big French Fancy aka A Fistful of Fondant

2008-09-09T21:36:00.002+01:00

Panasonic Viera

2008-09-09T21:31:00.002+01:00

42" with Sky HD. Wow, what a picture.

Have been particularly enjoying the US Open tennis on the big screen. Now I'm no fan of Andy Murray, his performance at the Olympics was shameful and discredited the sport, but I was behind him all the way in this tourney.

I can't help but think though that his defeat in the final was all down to his neck beard getting too itchy. I know how it feels when you've let it go a day too far. It's very distracting.

Maybe Roger Federer could throw a Gillette razor Andy's way in time for the next tourney.

Lost notebook

2008-09-09T21:28:00.002+01:00

Yeah, that was brutal. Lost a lot of notes on the Olympics and plenty other random bull. Kind of made me retreat into my shell for a bit. But here I am again. More comebacks than Evander Holyfield.

Damn, what a setback

2008-09-09T21:25:00.000+01:00

Thanks to KT for spotting this clip sans gimp mask

2008-09-09T21:21:00.002+01:00

See more Adam "Ghost Panther" McKay videos at Funny or Die

Infommercial

2008-08-13T13:45:00.000+01:00

Game on

2008-08-12T14:02:00.000+01:00

Adonis

2008-08-06T13:47:00.000+01:00

Le Crunch

2008-08-05T13:44:00.000+01:00

I have touched this guy and he is real

2008-08-05T13:40:00.000+01:00

Muntor's back

2008-08-01T13:59:00.001+01:00

N.O.D.

2008-07-31T17:34:00.000+01:00

Queue

2008-07-31T14:05:00.001+01:00

More Gas

2008-07-31T13:57:00.000+01:00

Gas

2008-07-31T13:09:00.000+01:00

Panel Test

2008-07-30T13:57:00.000+01:00

Take Care Of Our Planet

2008-07-30T13:06:00.000+01:00

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Kindred Spirits

2008-07-30T00:50:00.001+01:00